Ah, Nights…

©2006DianeWiessinger, MS, IBCLC 136 Ellis Hollow Creek Road Ithaca,NY 14850

I tried to nurse myhusband's elbow once.  Groggy,desperately sleep-deprived, I heard my baby cry and I put the nearestwarmthing to my breast.  But my son was downthe hall, in his own crib, where we returned him after most feedings.  That's why I was sleep-deprived.

Our first routine was for myhusband to get up each time the baby cried, and bring him to me tobreastfeed(sitting up) on Side One.  Then myhusband would get up, take the baby to the bathroom, change his diaper,andreturn him to me to breastfeed (sitting up) on Side Two.  Then my husband would get up and return thebaby to the crib down the hall.  Threetrips out of bed each time those eight pounds of energy woke up.  That lasted three nights.

But it took us two babies toget it completely right.  Our second babyshared our bed from the start, with a rubber-and-flannel sheet underbaby andmother to catch any drips from either one. There was an extra diaperhandyuntil he stopped pooping at night, an extra nightgown or two until Istoppedleaking, and a nightlight all night at first to help me line up myinexperienced partner of unaccustomed dimensions without either of usmovingfrom our nest. 

I fed from the "bottombreast" until it was soft, and later in the night rolled over a bitfarther to feed from the "top breast", looming over him like a tent,elbow resting on the far side of him.  Whenhis doctor asked me how often he nursed at night, Ianswered,"I have no idea," and thought how right and simple that answer was.

Nights weren't perfect, ofcourse.  Parenting never is.  There were gaps in the bedding that let incold air.  There were nights when I wishedhe would just sleep.  Therewere semi-conscious wrestling matchesbetween a father who wanted part of the bed to himself and a little boywholiked to sleep with his leg over his father's.

But we never knew nightterrors or head-banging - two childhood behaviors that Americansconsidernormal and zoos consider signs of stress in their monkeys.  I never walked cold floors.  Hewoke happy in the morning and so didwe.  And no "body pillow" canmatch the relaxation and peace of cuddling a child in bed.

Our sleep arrangementsvaried over time; our policy was to do whatever gave the most peoplethe mostrest tonight.  Once hegraduated to his own bed, he and hisbrother often shared it, or he came in with us partway through thenight.  Or I moved in with him - a luxuryfor me,because his was the most comfortable mattress in the house.  When he stopped waking in the night - andstopped climbing in with us - we reminded our children that they werealwayswelcome, but they said, "oh, no thanks."  Andthat was that. 

We miss the smell and feeland snuggliness of those little bodies.  It'sa time that comes only once, and we'll never get itback.  Maybe if our grandchildren come forovernights…

Safe Sleeping

Is it safe to sleep withyour new baby?  Of course.  Imagine a cave woman laying her defenselessnewborn in a separate niche in the cave for the night, well away fromthewarmth and protection of her body.  Now that's unsafe sleeping!

It’s not safe to sleep witha baby if you've been drinking or taking drugs that keep you fromrousingnormally.  Smoking, formula-feeding, andsharing sleep is a risky trio that our ancestors never encountered.  It's unsafe to have gaps that would allowyour baby to slip between bed and wall or between mattress and frame;or to layyour baby on poofy bedding from which he can't free his face.  Swaddling traps him and shouldn’t be usedwith co-sleeping.  Sofas and reclinersare not safe for nighttimes.  But it’smuch easier to change our bedding than our biology.

There.  That'sout of the way.  What's left?  Adults who are never completely unconscious (or they'dfall out of bed),sleeping with a very lumpy object (with a head like a grapefruit-sizedrock)that yells when it's squeezed.  Worksfine.

What do you gain?  Normalbreathing and heart rates for yourbaby, without the breathless periods so often observed insolitary-sleepingbabies.  Normal baby sleep - which doesnot mean long hours of deep, hard-to-rouse-from sleep, though thatmight seemdesirable.  An even body temperature forhim, warmer and more stable than the most expensive hospitalbaby-warming unitcan provide.  A mellower baby at night,with far less crying.  Safety from fire,kidnapping, and goblins.  Lots of languidcuddle time. 

You certainly gain vastlyeasier baby-care at night, especially if you learn to breastfeed lyingdownduring the day, when your tolerance and inventiveness are intact.

Infant sleep researchersbelieve solitary sleep may be linked to higher rates of SIDS.  This is a very difficult relationship toprove, since sleep arrangements change and since SIDS may have multiplecauses.  But we do know that many of therisk factors associated with SIDS are increased when babies sleepalone, and thatcultures that share sleep tend to have low rates of SIDS.  Shared sleep is as old as humankind, andsmall children naturally crave it.

Shared sleep takes manyforms.  At our house, a lack ofcreativity kept us in an antique bed narrower than today's standarddouble.  Many nights there were four ofus in it!  If I had it all to do again, Iwould invest in a king-sized mattress and put it on the floor for thoseearlyyears of parenting.  Everyone would haveplenty of room, and even an acrobatic toddler couldn’t fall far.  We sacrificed comfort for convention, in apart of the house that no one but the sleepers themselves ever saw orused.  Silly.

For more thoughts on sharingsleep with your baby, see William Sears's book, "NighttimeParenting," published by La Leche League International.  And remember that nowhere is it written thatwe're entitled to 8 hours of unbroken sleep.  Goingto bed earlier helps!